@BMcCarthy32: There's no way I'm the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world's best Garfield impression.
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@DBMaxP: Who said losing weight was difficult? "Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?"
@usermcuserface: Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.