There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”