There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
wish me luck lads
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.