@robfee: There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
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@carpetislava: BIDEN: How come you've never shown ME the swamp? OBAMA: Drain the swamp is a metaphor, Joe. BIDEN: Where will Shrek live?
@killazilla: HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister
@QwertyJones3: Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing Bad news: It's not my mind that I want blown
@Izianikapani: Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.