There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You Might Also Like
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit