@DamienFahey: There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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@tastefactory: [ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror] "My dead what?" [ghost writes *YOU'RE] AAHHHHHHHHHH!
@TheCatWhisprer: I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I'd be like that's enough art.
@str8upjuggahos: How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
@ryangriffiths: People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.