There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber