@DamienFahey: There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: You're so condescending and arrogant. Me: They mean the same thing so you didn't need to say both.
@robdelaney: Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
@pleatedjeans: [spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR