There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?