There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?