I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.