@thingsbydan: There's not a day goes by that I don't think about this caption.
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@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
@NickMotown: To back up his "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" theory, Newton should've released one simultaneously saying "no it doesn't"
@jergarl: "Calm down" I suggested. "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT CALM?" she carved in the side of my truck.
@MoneypennyNaked: So I said 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. We haven't spoken since. Maybe he just needs space. Vet: Your cat's fine. You can go now.