Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You Might Also Like
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?