DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You Might Also Like
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.