There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.