There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.