There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
my proudest tweet
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
good morning