There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Sorry not sorry.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!