There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying