There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
You Might Also Like
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.