There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
lmao
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*