There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.