A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.