Alexa: *deep breath*
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Oh deer
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.