@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
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@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
@bea_ker: My waterslide technique has been described as 'oafish', 'dangerous' and 'how did you get into the penguin enclosure'.
@IamEnidColeslaw: watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you're welcome