MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: