@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
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@Mr_Kapowski: A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing "The cloak stopped working" to which I responded "OMG you can see me?!"
@Cpin42: "I usually don’t do this on the first date," I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
@monica_L1257: *6yo comes out with dripping wet face* Me: what did you do? 6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water *speechless*
@AtticusFinch79: Robber: This is a stick up Me: *clears throat* I'll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it's true, it was mean