There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no