@bluntphilip: There's nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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@AmishPornStar1: Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
@lovejulieacafe: I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.
@better_off_dad: Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned. Priest: How long since your last confession, my son? Me: About 45 minutes.