There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫