There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law