There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?