There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food