Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Quadruple digit IQ
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.