“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
You Might Also Like
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha