I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.