@crushingbort: "there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
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@gitson_shiggles: If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....
@daemonic3: FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence? ME: No way FRIEND: Why not? ME: [kicks a rock] She'd never go out with me
@LetMeStart: My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they're naming IKEA furniture.