@crushingbort: "there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
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@TheToddWilliams: [forest precinct] DETECTIVE OWL: HOO BEAR: I dont know DET OWL: HOO BEAR: I DONT KNOW DET OWL: HOO BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
@squirrel74wkgn: *kids running down the stairs* DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, "SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR."
@awkwardphilippe: [during sex] HER: this isn't working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?