There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Yup!
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!