@Tylerosis: There's only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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@frogshack: [watching Jaws] Me: Which ones Jaws Girlfriend: Who do u think? Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@YourDailyGroan: I believe in workplace drug testing. That's why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss' coffee. Let's test which one works faster.