There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Well, this explains it:
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.