My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Festive toon…
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing