There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?