There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.