I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
The USS B port
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Facebook memories be like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food