“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You Might Also Like
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent