“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Dead sexy!!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”