Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
😎 🍻
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.