Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020