Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised