Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I have so many questions.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.