There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.