There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.