Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Note to self: I am a note
I feel attacked.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.