“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
💻🤡
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better