I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Meanwhile in Portland…
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
And then there were 4
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags