@envydatropic: There's something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn't the cutest baby they've ever seen
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@_davidlucas_: *Answers door naked* Jehovah's Witnesses... 😲 Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
@minnie_in_pink7: I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
@toastymoe: Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
@1Bad_Scientist: I'm at my most British when she says "teabag me" and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.