@envydatropic: There's something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn't the cutest baby they've ever seen
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@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT
@ninjadinosaur1: I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
@JermHimselfish: I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
@Elizasoul80: First date Him: What do you do? Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into] "I'm a model."