There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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📽️movie date🎞️
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing